Tell it like it is – Advantage men

Aside

Pic Courtesy Morten Hammer (http://www.flickr.com/photos/mortenhammer/)

It’s always the same. If the girl is a victim of a public humiliation comments always follow that the girl may have something to do with it. They say she may have dressed, talked or behaved provocatively to force the mob to misbehave with her.

Take the recent Guwahati incident for example. The girl was publicly humiliated by 11 men and the others just stood there and watched the drama. None of them did anything to stop the incident. She was being dragged by her hair, her clothes being pulled away in front of a big crowd. The media cameraman was recording the whole thing at one point even angling the camera according to the perpetrators’ directions. Although it’s also true that if not for that footage the men would not be recognized and put behind bars. But it is also a fact that the girl will have to be a victim every day from now on. Her life is forever tarnished by this incident. Imagine her family’s plight. They have to bear the repercussions. The whole nation watched in disgust. Who are these men who anointed themselves as the moral police? This was not a sole incident. Instances like these have been happening around the upbeat cities in India like Bangalore and Mumbai these past few years too. But Guwahati was hailed as a woman-friendly city.

Men on the streets are always looking for opportunities to eve-tease or grope women. They are either cat-calling or walking strategically close to a woman so as to brush against them. In buses they stand close to women with no space to move away and do unspeakable things. In spite of this most women keep mum and walk on without so much of a protest or retaliation.

The minor girl from the Guwahati incident was man-handled and groped in public for the sole reason that she had the guts to retort to a remark made by a passer-by. The MEN could not stand it so they start to pull at her hair and her clothes to “teach her a lesson” for dressing like she did. If she hadn’t replied back this incident would never have happened. Since she chose to do that the men couldn’t stand it.  They had to show her the consequence of being a girl in a male chauvinistic country where Taliban-like rules are still being imposed on women to this day.

Who made these men moral police?  Why did no one come forward to help the poor girl while she was unashamedly beaten, groped and humiliated in front of other men? Why didn’t they think for a moment if they would have half the mind to behave this way if it were a girl from their family? They say she dressed improperly that’s why she deserved to be treated that way?  Why do we have to wait till the police get there to control the mob?

But I tell you even if the girl were dressed from head to toe the general public would still blame the girl. I can still remember that evening well. I was taking ICWA foundation coaching for a couple of months in Secunderabad. I had to walk through a bus complex and take a shortcut through the railway track to the bus stop where I would catch the bus to where I resided. I would usually see a gang of guys in the bus stop that would follow some girls to the bus stop and also wait to get into the same bus the girls did. Never in my mind would I have imagined them to target me as I always wore clothes from head to toe. I never acted promiscuous and never attracted attention to myself.

One evening I was walking to the bus stop and saw one of the guys following me and calling me from behind “Hey sushmita…wait up”. I increased my pace and tried my best not to show him I was scared to death. I was just looking for an opportunity to approach the bustling road and he would get off my back. But that wasn’t to happen. When I reached the road full of people I was a little relieved. But as I kept walking toward the area where my buses usually stop, out of the sea of people I saw the gang emerge one by one. This seemed too unreal. For a moment I felt like it was a bad dream which would end any moment now. I had a thought that if I stood by a woman they wouldn’t approach me. But there too they all stood closeby and started passing remarks about my dress, the way I looked and they also went to the length to call me arrogant cos I was not responding to them in anyway.

When it got too much, I thought I should not stay mum or they would do the same to another girl another day. So I went to the personnel there and told him what had gone on. The first question he asked me was “Did you say anything?” He then put me on a bus and asked the driver to drop me mid way as the bus would go another route from there. I got in and was thankful I was getting away from that gang. I finally took a bold step against eve-teasers.

What the driver and conductor of the bus were saying bring tears to my eyes to this day. Not out of sadness but out of frustration.  Those words were so judgemental. They were saying the boys would never have bothered with me if I hadn’t provoked them in some way. What do they know? Why make such remarks? Why are women always blamed?

It is, and I think it always will be, advantage Men.

Birthday Card for Ravz

Birthday Card for Nowshad

Green

Now and then it raises its head
No matter how careful I tread
Round and round in the whirlwind
Green and green I bled

The monster is taking me over
Its arrival I had so dread
I wanted to be sober
But it got me drunk instead

High on my new avataar
I soared on thoughts that it fed
Engulfed in its muddy hue
Green, just green I bled!!!

Me and Charan

It’s kind of funny and exaggerated for some people what I am about to narrate. But that’s my life….although erratic there is a lot of planning that goes into it too. It’s always the same. I save up all my leaves at my workplace for this. I don’t visit my parents cos I don’t want my in-laws to say “you’ve just been there…so…NO”. So I apply leave for all the days my brother is in town for.
My brother, Charan, visits India once in every 2 or 3 years. Since I save up on offs at work, I inform my parents-in-law about staying at my parents’ for the time he’s visiting. This year I did not get much resistance from my MIL. Off I went with my son to my parents’.

It’s always the same I go to the airport with my Dad. Mom stays at home waiting for her son to come home. Usually his plane lands in the middle of the night. Dad and I along with kids if they tagged along, wait for him to come out of the sliding doors. Our eyes won’t look away till he shows up. You would wonder where all that angst would be when he is in the safety of his home in Texas. We finally see him heading out of the customs check. We are all excited, the kids are jumping in joy cos they can go home and all the restrictions we put on them wouldn’t apply at home. 🙂 cos all this while they would be walking all over the airport with us wondering where they were at or pulling us to the vendor which costs 4 times more than the coke we get out of the airport premises. Anyway we say a few pleasantries, Charan, Dad and me. He would ask the little ones all the questions they can answer and keep them interested.

He has this special knack of talking to any age group with the relevant topics of conversation. With kids its school, friends, favorite sport, cartoons he even improvs a story for them with voices for each character and everything. Kids enjoy it a lot and they keep thinking of the last story their uncle narrated till his next visit. With me it’s mostly silliness cos he can be himself totally with me and I with him.

Anyway, we finally get home and it would be like he had never left. Like I had never gotten married and left the place. I am suddenly transported into my childhood when I’m around him. I remember things which I had stashed away in my brain while I went about my life as a wife, mother and work colleague. Things that had happened, when we were little. Things I did, like how I would complain of a stomach ache always when I would lose in the two-player game of cricket we would play on our terrace. How I had not stopped him walking into the overhead tank’s wall when we were playing the blindfold game, as a result of which he was lucky his eye escaped getting hurt by a fraction, no thanks to me. And the list goes on. I was not such a good girl then I guess. I would always take advantage of his infinite patience with me and my tantrums.
He lets me know some good TV shows I need to watch on the internet (cos they aren’t aired in India). Also on the net he plays me some good songs he wants me to listen. He cooks us some of his favorite dishes. They really taste very good actually. Mom anyway tries to cook him his favorites and I try to cook something for him whenever opportunity arises, what with my sons exams and dropping him off and picking him up from school.

This time around there was the Cricket World Cup going. Charan came just in time for the finals. So Charan, Dad and I had loads of fun enjoying each and every match. Watching India win the world cup was a bonus. He accompanied me when I went shopping for a DigiCam. He ended up paying for it, shushing me with the all powerful brotherly love. Can’t say no to that now, can I???
That’s why I am so protective of the things which he bought me; Inspiron and Cybershot. My two priced possessions apart from my iPod Nano. I wouldn’t share them with anyone, except under unavoidable circumstances.

Finally at the end of the two weeks he is here it is time for him to return to his hometown. Again I accompany Dad to the airport. I would like to think I am the voice of reason when he is overcome by overwhelming emotion over Charan leaving yet again.
When Charan is here, time just flies. No one tries to give up their usual routine to spend time with him while he is here. It’s almost as if the sky would fall if they would skip one of the chores they have normally every day. That’s why they find his visit unfulfilling as they couldn’t spend time with him satisfactorily.

After he leaves, it’s like he was never here. It seems as if it was all a dream. Life goes back to the usual stuff. Waking up, getting Jay ready for school, getting ready for work, busy day at work, coming home. It is as if I hadn’t spent two whole weeks in my brothers company, full of laughter, full of joy, full of good times. The hangover is there sometimes when I call Jay “annayya”..LOL
Why does life have to be this complicated??? Waiting to see someone so dear, for so long. Making do with photographs and reliving the moments past. Can’t imagine what it must be like for our parents.
Well, let’s hope and pray that our loved ones are happy and successful just where they are.

A Date with Bryan Adams

Finally my dream of going to a proper Rock Concert came true that night. The 16th of Feb, 2011 will forever remain in my “Unforgettable Events” list. The closest we ever got to a concert in our teens were the upcoming Indian Bands that played at inter-collegiate festivals like Sarang etc, with some good covers of famous Rock Bands. But we never got to actually see our favorites like Sting, DeffLeppard, Erasure, Richard Marx, Bryan Adams or Bon Jovi(not necessarily in that order).

Bryan Adams Up Close [Photo Courtesy Saritha Chitrapu)

So Close Yet So Far! (Pics courtesy Sarita Chitrapu)

For two reasons. One, Hyderabad didnt have a facility or permit to hold so many people together in one place as big to host a band. Two even if there were bands playing, they were not someone we’d pay to watch, bands like Deep Purple, cos the crowd would be berserk and we were too young and naive to handle such an environment.

My brother had been to a few by visiting states like TamilNadu and Maharashtra to attend some concerts. When he would tell me how it went on I would find myself wishing that someday I would be able to go to a concert where my favorite singer would be singing…Dream Come True scenario!

But finally after a long wait over a decade, a wedding, a son later, I finally got the chance to go to a concert. “Bryan Adams Live in Hyderabad” read the ad. I was thrilled to bits thinking of the possibility. I am earning now and I am a pretty good saver. “Isn’t it about time you spent your money on something you love?” I heard myself say.

So without further ado, I got onto the internet to book tickets online. In IE the window where the pay thing was throwing errors constantly, so I went on to Mozilla. But as luck would have it, the site was not loading properly enough for me to book. On the other hand I was pretty worried that my lifestyle isn’t fit to go to a Rock concert where ppl drink beer and talk nasty! Well I didn’t meet any such kind at the concert but that was before I went to the show. I had apprehensions which I had shared with my brother. He thrashed them all and asked me to “please make it to the concert somehow”. He even went to the lengths of trying to book my tickets himself. That didn’t work out as well. Just about 3 days before the concert, my colleague friend Sareeta asked me if I had the tickets booked. I told her the whole story and she said let me give it a try. And lo and behold! the tickets were booked for 4 with my credit card with 5% discount on each ticket. 😀

About 2 days before the concert I had this on my FaceBook status – “Dreams do come true!!! Watch me live mine…” On the day I updated my status on FaceBook with “Todayz THE Day…….!!! Bold and underlined!!!”…Everyone was excited for me. It still didnt sink in that I am going to see my favorite band upclose.

At the final minute my DH gave me a no-go. He had some important meetings he couldn’t excuse himself out of so he wasn’t gonna go with us. So it was just me, Sareeta and her husband Shiva. It was a little weird going with a couple. But then they made me feel at ease. Gotto give credit to both of them for that. They were real chums. I had a fun time with them. They both took proper care of me like only friends would. The photo courtesy goes to Sareeta’s DH Shiva who took all the pictures patiently while we were busy enjoying the show. I would have loved for my husband to be present with me to share the moment though.

We booked two cabs to and from the venue. The show was to start at 7:00pm. I had to sell off my husbands ticket. We waited at the ticket counters for prospective buyers. To my surprise there were lot of others there who were looking to do the same. I guess it being a worknight people may not have been able to make it at the last minute like DH. Tough Luck! We could hear people at the show, some movie promotions and a DJ doing his thing. We were worried if we would be too late to get in. And yet there were no takers for my ticket. I was about to give up and bear the loss of Rs.3500. Just then a guy caught my attention and I asked him if he needed a ticket. He said “How much are you looking for?” I was a little surprised to hear that cos I never sold any show tickets. I didn’t understand what he was asking. I just said “3,500 ofcourse” why would anyone even think it would be anything else? He thought about it a while and I saw one more group walking towards the counter and asked them if they needed one Gold Ticket. One lady from the group said “Yes” and she then said “How much?” I was taken aback. Then I understood that a ticket which we wanna get rid of cannot be sold for the same price as we bought it for. She said its a very good deal for me to sell it at Rs.2000 as there were no other takers. She was right. I had to sell or we would never make it to the show in time. So I did. Hmm…rude awakening!!!

But once we went in, there were people everywhere. So we went the closest we could to the stage. We had a diagonal view to it. We would still manage to see the guys at a pretty close range. So we settled there. The next issue was my height. I ain’t tall and the ppl in front of me were all blocking my view. It being a rock show didn’t help cos the hands would always be up. I had to look at Bryan from between constantly swaying hands. Was the singlemost complaint. There were no Indian opening acts before the actual band came on. So the wait seemed a tad longer than we would have wanted. Everytime someone would come out to check the equipment the crowd would think its the band and scream. Which was rather funny!

Finally, when Bryan and his band came out, everyone got excited. It was unbelievable. We were all screams. Can’t our vocal chords be a little bit louder? We were soooo excited to see him in flesh. The air was charged. The band were all smiles. Who wouldn’t be if a ground full of grown people are screaming on top of their lungs for them!!! I am not so much into Bryan’s latest songs. He sang about 2 of them. One of the tracks being a new one from his latest album Bare Bones.

My knowledge of his new songs stopped at “Here I Am”. So everytime he would sing numbers like Let’s make a night(to remember), Summer of ’69, Run to You, Thought I’d Died(and Gone to Heaven), Cuts Like A Knife, It’s Only Love, Only Thing That Looks Good On Me, Cloud Number 9, Please Forgive Me, 18 Till I Die! I sang along with him. Screamed is more like it. I couldnt carry a tune. That loud! But who cares? I was there, watching Bryan Adams live, singing in his husky voice dipped in honey! His blonde hair all combed like a kid from the 40s. Sure enough he will be 18 going on 55 soon!!! 😀

I came to know from a dear friend Girish, after the concert, that BA always has a routine show. With him singing the familiar tracks, preferably pacy ones to get the crowd in a good groove. And he then isolates a girl from the audience and calls her onstage. Gives her a hug and they get chatting, he makes a joke out of the whole tete-e-tete. The crowd is tickled. He then asks her to sing the duet “Baby when you’re gone” and you better know the lyrics if you wanna go up there. In Hyderabad he chose “Priya”. Everyone was happy for her. Everyone wanted to be her. She was too out of breath but she managed to make a decent conversation with BA. She even sang and danced and hugged him…twice. I kept saying “Lucky her!” I think it takes more than luck. It was just meant to be. Or is that luck again?

Anyway it was wonderful, surreal even. Everytime he came to our side where there was a single mike we would scream our heads out. He would go on singing and playing his guitar with his impish smile. “This is the loudest crowd I have come across in India so far” Bryan had said between songs. And the crowd went ballistic. At the end of it all he introduced his band one by one. They did their solos…loved Keith Scott (Bryan introduced him as “the fastest fingers on the guitar”) the most. He asked us all to light up our cellphones and wave them while he serenaded “Everything I Do” and I was transported to the 90s. After the band took their bows and left the stage everyone went roaring “once more”. Bryan said “go home!”. the crowd went “Nooooo!!!” Then Bryan sang two more songs before finally taking the crowd’s pics on his camera and saying his goodbyes. I bet he gets high on his audiences reactions. Must be the ultimate rush!

When we were returning home it finally sinked in “I saw Bryan Adams LIVE!!!” In a few years there could be something that can surpass it but for now nothing can beat this feeling. Going to a rock concert changed me forever. I was the only Salwar-kameez clad person in the whole audience. I was infact very conscious of the fact, till BA started singing. The two people I shared this with said just one thing – “Did it matter???” I said “NO”. All that mattered was I was there. I lived the life I had dreamt of a little bit. And I am richer for it. The feeling of Liberation I got from it was more than I could imagine. I felt on top of the world. Cos I put everything in my life on hold for about 2 and a half hours. And that was bliss!!!

My bro smsed me asking me if I was having a good time. If I was screaming the songs out and if I am able to talk the next morning then I didn’t scream loud enough! FYI …I couldn’t speak normally the next morning…my throat hurt! 😉

Move On…

Watching “The Lovely Bones” for the third time. Its a typical “life is what happens to you when you are busy making other
plans” sort of movie…

Suzie has a nice suburbanesque cosy family with two loving sensible parents and regular siblings. A grandma who teaches her how to “Carpe Diem” when it comes to matters of the heart when she sees that Suzie likes Ray Singh – the Indian guy from England with unusually long eyelashes. But what she doesn’t know is that their neighbor is a psycho who has his eyes on her for a long time. He even goes to the length of creating an elaborate trap laboriously for many nights all to entice the little Suzie. Well he wins and she loses her life.

Then we see her family trying to come to grips with the tragedy in their own way. The mom is tired of the dad obsessed with finding the killer all the time without spending time with the family which needs togetherness to cope. the younger sister is obsessed with proving the neighbor Mr.Harvey had something to do with Suzies disappearance.

In the meanwhile suzie slips into a plane where she is not yet severed the ties with her physical self and the soul. she is
still associating herself to the physical body known as Suzie and has all the emotions of one. All the anger, anguish,
helplessness and vengefulness. When she knows that her emotions are getting reflected in her dad, she tries to get her
revenge through him by sowing the seed of doubt in him that Mr.Harvey could be Suzies killer. She also had a longing when she died. For Ray Singh. Her first kiss with him.

The vendetta and her unfulfilled love keep her soul hanging in an
imaginary heaven. There is a gazebo there, which was the one last thing that would keep the memory of her previous life
alive. She knew she was to leave to the place where there is no memory, no form, no description. But she chooses to stay. Chooses to seek pleasure and pain from her family and her love. We see the state of the gazebo and her surroundings change according to her state of mind. Sort of a reflection of her emotions. When she realizes that she is tearing her family apart with her vengeful feelings and that they won’t let go until she did. So for her family and her love to move on with their lives she moves on leaving her life behind.

We do that while we are alive too. We don’t want to let go of our past. We feel our past had all the best times if we were happy. We think we had all the worst times if we were sad. But either way we don’t let go. What we really need to learn is to let go of the past and move on. Thats when we can enjoy the beauty of the present. “Carpe Diem”….!!!

Movie Review – The Band’s Visit

Dana and General Tawfiq in one of the lighter moments

On World Movies Channel I saw an Arabic movie called ‘The Band’s Visit’. It has a very thin storyline but makes up an entire movie without a dull moment anywhere. The movie is so different from the one back at home. It is like the European movies – short span of time depicted, yet so many sub-plots and myriad emotions packed into a short hour and a half movie.

Story goes like this. A Egyptian Police Orchestra visits Israel to play at an Arabic Art Center but they land at the wrong place and the bus that would take them to the right place is a day away. With the band members, who are tired and hungry, threatening to walk away, the band leader “General Tawfiq Zachayria” has no choice but to knock on a local restaurant door. The owner Dana seems very rude at first but she turns out to be the most helpful for their overnight stay in the locality. She takes the General on a guided tour of the town, sorta like a date and they surprisingly(even to them) enjoy eachothers company. The next morning they are off to the bus stop again to catch the bus to the Arabic Art Center.

The guy who waits by the phone(even when others are using it)

Each character has an importance in the movie each expression a meaning. Like the guy who stands by the telephone all night waiting for a call from his girlfriend, he waits every night, the band are told. We almost give up but the guy doesn’t, till finally the girlfriend really does call. The other locals who give the band members hospitality. Their faces are a treat to watch when they hear the band play them a little song and tell them their background.

Dana tells the General a sorry story when they get back from their dinner date. Which probably was the reason why she seems so indifferent to life. But the General who looks so stoic on the outside surprises us with an even sadder story of his life.

Towards the end of the movie, when the band is leaving, the General tells the café lady that she is a “Good Woman” catching the lady offguard and making her eyes well up. That overwhelmed me too.

That’s the reason for this blog.

I give it a 4.5 of 5 stars.

World Aids Day – May Empathy and Awareness prevail!

I revamped a card I had made last year. I think what I wrote still holds good.
May people become more empathetic towards AIDS victims and may everyone be aware of the facts related to AIDS. Prevention is always better than cure. So, stay safe and stay protected.
LLAP!

May Empathy and Awareness Prevail

A wedding with any other name….

It may sound wierd but I love browsing the wedding pictures from across the world on Picasa’s public albums.

A Wedding day is one of the overwhelmingly happy days of a person’s life apart from the birth of offspring and each and every achievement of theirs in the years thereafter.

I think on many levels all the humans are similar to their counterparts in the other countries on this planet. There are so many rituals and folklore that are amazingly similar. Even the relationships in all the countries and all the innumerable cultures in this world are all so similar…

Just today I saw a wedding album where the bride was all happy and dancing one instance and the next she was hugging her mom(dancing). All of a sudden tears welled up in her eyes and she hugged her mom all the more closer.

I felt the same way when I was getting married and so do so many other brides on their wedding day. There are so many emotions going in the air on a wedding day that they catch up with us and make us cry always at the end of the wedding. I cry at other’s weddings too. I look at the bride and her mom, aunts, siblings, cousins all getting all sad and happy at the same time and I can’t help but react.

There is a ritual in our culture where the parents of the bride give away the bride to all the married older couples in the grooms family. My dad was to dip my palms in milk and rub my hands on the couples open palms. But he was so sad his actions were much slower than normal. Seeing him that way made me sadder. And tears ensued. I had infact made a deal with myself that I wouldn’t cry at my wedding but I couldn’t keep my promise.

And the way Steve Martin’s George reacts to his daughters plans for a wedding is sooo real and thats exactly how the brides dads are all over the world would react I guess. These dad’s wouldn’t care if their wives would have to find their own means to go out and run some errands which typically he can do but wouldn’t, but if it’s his daugther he would go out of the way to help her out in whatever. He needs to know if she is living happily, earning comfortably and dealing with others wisely. If his baby girl(no matter if she is the mom to a school going kid) ever mentions that she saw a beautiful piece of jewellery on someone he can’t sleep till he buys one for her too.

Moms…they are made of something else altogether. They love their kids, no doubt, but after they become nanas all they think of, are their grandkids. How are they, how are they studying, how are they coping with the weather, are they eating, are they eating enough? These are just a few questions we get from them everytime they call. If the grandkids are sick they can’t sleep at night worrying. Just like they used to stay awake when we were sick.

Coming back to weddings. Like in the western wedding, in an indian wedding too there are the best man and maid of honor sort of thing. But the rule is that they need to be younger than the bride/groom respectively and still unmarried. The father and mother of the bride give her away. We have wedding vows too but they are chanted by the priest. Trust me its better that way…;-) We can always say “I never said that”. Like some European weddings have both sides gifting each other with bread we have a welcome ceremony where the two parties give little gifts and some sugar water to drink. Its sort of like appeasing each other to take the ceremony forward with a sweet beginning. Our ancestors thought of everything. Love it!

Wearing white is also a common tradition. Much like a western wedding the guests throw rice, colored with turmeric powder, on the bride and groom at the auspicious hour. Whats fun is the part where the bride and groom get to pour handfuls of rice on each other taking turns. Thats one of the fun parts of a telugu wedding.

Well thats all that comes to mind right now…